6 Ways to Manage Disagreements

Lately it's been on my heart to share why I believe important, controversial, and difficult conversations turn south...i.e. bad. As a missionary, I had many difficult conversations with people. Many people in society openly disagree with many of my beliefs as a young, Catholic Christian, married woman.  I honestly welcome the conversations because it creates beautiful dialogue with a variety of people. I learned and continue to learn so much about other belief systems, and in turn makes me feel as if I am becoming more educated on many topics.

Unfortunately, there are people who are not open to dialogue, which is a shame. I see a lot of controversy on Facebook. For example, one of my "friends" posted her opinion on a topic and stated that if you do not agree, then unfriend her now, so it saves her the time of doing it herself. UGH. Disagreements and different opinions are so refreshing and can bring such life into important topics! Please be open to dialogue and here are some tips and techniques that I've found useful:

1.  What do you want out of the conversation? 

• What do you want for yourself? 
• What do you want for others? 
• What do you want for your relationship? 

If you simply want to "win" the conversation, then you're approaching the conversation with the wrong attitude. What's the greater good that you want to shine forth?

2. Be Charitable

• Charity is an act of love and a theological virtue.
• Approach every conversation out of love and wanting good for the other person.
• "the friendship of man for God." St. Thomas Aquinas

The Catechism describes charity perfectly:

1825 Christ died out of love for us, while we were still "enemies."¹⁰⁰ The Lord asks us to love as he does, even our enemies, to make ourselves the neighbor of those farthest away, and to love children and the poor as Christ himself.¹⁰¹

The Apostle Paul has given an incomparable depiction of charity: "charity is patient and kind, charity is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Charity does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Charity bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."¹⁰²

3. Listen

• Provide a safe environment.
• Don't cut the other person off.
• Watch not only your body language, but theirs too.

Listening is very crucial. By listening, you're allowing the other person to share their ideas. If an idea stops, then ask a question! Get the other person talking to fully understand where they're coming from.

4. Know the topic of conversation.

• Have facts and be prepared to relay truth.

Everyone wants truth and we all desire to find it. Why do you believe that your point of view is truth? If you can't answer that question, then you need to be fully open to discovering why you believe what you believe.

5. Don't get angry.

• You can only control yourself....don't allow yourself to succumb to anger.
• Anger does not come from a good place.

Once you show that you're angry, the conversation will become heated. When you're heated, it's more difficult for the other person to want to listen or respect you.

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

6. Reach a conclusion.

• What is the result of the conversation?
• Does another meeting need to happen?

Come to a conclusion that you're both happy about. Relay that you enjoyed the conversation and would be open to having more. If you need to, go home and do more research!

I am not perfect at difficult conversations, but every time I remember these 6 steps, I handle the conversation well. A lot of these steps come from a book I had to read as a missionary called "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking when Stakes are High." If this is something you struggle with, I highly recommend this book or taking this quiz: www.CrucialConversations.com/sus 

Let me know how your conversations go!

-Anna

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